“come back to me” by Janet Jackson

As a gardener, I take care of plants but haven't been taking care of my own. So, I woke up about 3:30 AM and started to repot, prune, transplant and then I realized these were things that could have been done weeks or even months ago but that's how neglectful I've been.

 why?

Been busying myself with others. Making sure others were OK. Been doing that ever since I was little, making sure my actions accommodated the emotional needs of others, even at the expense of myself.

As a gardener at times the care I give is in the form of necessary discomfort from pruning of leaves and branches to absolute renovation and restoration, all for the survival of the plants and sustainability of the gardens.

With humans it's not as easy. They may know pruning is needed (cutting ties, getting checked, criticized constructively) not realizing the pain is temporary, they get defensive. They may know restoration and renovation is needed but scared of the process.

I'm listening to a love song that I need to sing to myself. Come back to me. I need to come back to myself. I’m waiting to see myself smiling internally but that happens when I stop feeling this instinctual need to fix others. Yes, I believe humans, especially women, are natural nurturers. There's a quote by a celebrity talking about how it's not your job to fix others that are broken because in the process of attempting to fix them you'll break yourself.

As a gardener I tell people, “I know how to make mistakes look esthetically pleasing but we (gardeners) make more mistakes than most, we just don't let those mistakes stop us from caring and trying”.

As humans, mistakes with others aren't or can't always be fixed or made pretty. Sometimes no amount of caring or trying can make things better. Things get better when those who are broken deeply want to receive care, even at certain levels of discomfort.

My plants don't stop me from pruning because of discomfort, they flourish from it. My gardens don't stop me from restoring them because of not liking change, but they wind up bringing joy to others.

I must realize that I am part of the support system to the living things, but I cannot live for them. I cannot breathe for them, I cannot push oxygen, blood, chlorophyll, or water through them. They (plants & humans) have to want to do that for survival.

Plants don’t block help. Egos do.